Porn Industry Seeks Federal Bailout, CNN Commenters Are Dumb

If you've been reading/watching CNN or any other news outlet lately, then you know that the economy is dying, the second Great Depression is upon us, eveyone's losing their houses and jobs and Hummers and Bahamian vacays -- the world is pretty much ending. Hey, that's what this blog is about!

Well now it seems that everyone really does have their hand out because Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis are asking for a federal bailout too -- of $5 billion. I guess even Joe and Larry need a stimulus package sometimes.

So Flynt and Francis say that the industry itself is in no financial danger per se, and that Web traffic has continued to grow... but DVD sales have slipped, and worse yet, the American people are too depressed to have sex. Francis says, "With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry."

So this it seems pretty obvious that this something besides a request for money -- a marketing stunt most likely, or perhaps even a tongue-in-cheek (or whatever) political commentary on the bank and auto federal bailouts. 

Surely Larry Flynt and Joe Francis don't actually expect to receive any money, or for Congress to take them seriously. But guess who IS taking them seriously? CNN commenters! Here's a snippet:

Steve writes: "Larry Flint [sic] and Joe Francis jlosing [sic] money is the very least of my worries. If fact [sic], they need to be concerned about losing their souls eternally!!!"

johnc says: "This has got to be the biggest load of crap yet. People losing their jobs, their homes and trying to survive have to listen to these people who tear away at the moral fabric of our culture. The answer should be a resounding NO and GO AWAY."

J writes: "It is a sad, sad day when the porn industry asks for a bailout. I thought they would be doing just fine since thier "products" [sic] and porn can be bought and downloaded for your iPhone, iPod, PSP, yada yada [sic] so on and so forth. Come on America, is this really an industry that we need? Or is this Country going back on its founding principles again? The founding fathers are rolling in thier [sic] graves... I would protest over such a waste of government funding. YOU DONT SEE BROADWAY GETTING A BAILOUT!!!!!! They are closing great shows cause [sic] the American public cant even afford to shell out 120 bucks for some quality entertainment. Shut down a few mags and porn sites Larry. Suffer like the rest of America and adapt." 

Most of the 358 comments on this story right now are in this vein. Come on people; wake up and smell the satire.

Via CNN.

Image from Flickr user ClevelandSGS

Have a Frenemy? Send Them Poo.

Most people have that one person they'd really like to stick it to, but can't. Maybe it's your mother-in-law, who has brought the art of passive-aggressiveness to a whole new level, or your boss, who thinks it's totally fine to have you do all the work while he takes all the credit. 

Well, now the entrepreneurial crackerjacks over at ShitSenders.com have made it possible for you to do something about it, anonymously. I know you have many questions, so let me quickly answer them for you:

Q: How much does it cost to send someone poo?

A: Sending poo costs $12.95 - $23.95 plus shipping, depending on the type and amount.

Q: What kind of poo can I send?

A: Cow, Elephant, or Gorilla

Q: ZOMG, that's hilarious. Has anyone famous been sent poo?

A: Funny that you ask -- yes! But actually, not through this service.

Q: And it's totally anonymous?

A: Yes. Well, at least until someone receives a delivery of poo in the mail, get angry and wants to sue the sender for assault (hello, E. coli?), and then the police force the company to release all their records. 

Ready to send poo? Go here. 

Via YesButNoButYes.com

Parents Name Kid After Adolf Hitler; Are Upset When Supermarket Won't Personalize Birthday Cake With Son's Name

A family in Easton, PA is pissed because their local supermarket has refused to decorate a birthday cake for their 3-year-old son, who is named Adolf Hitler Campbell. The store, ShopRite, offered to give them a blank cake and let them decorate it themselves, but the Campbell family was having none of that. Adolf's 25-year-old mother, Deborah, said, "ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old. That's sad." Actually, Deborah, we will go ahead and say that the saddest thing about this story is actually one of these three things:

1. Their other kids are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Aryan Nation? Really? That's not even creative. It's like being a fan of tuna fish and giving your kid the middle name Tuna Fish. 

2. Never one to turn down a dollar, Wal-Mart came through and provided the cake with the desired birthday inscription, and the Campbells didn't have to lift nary a tube of decorative icing.

3. Pleeeeease click over to the story on lehighvalleylive.com and check out the haircut on Adolf. If the name doesn't get him beat up at school, then the mullet will.

Via lehighvalleylive.com

Image from Celestah

American Apparel Releases Midriff-Baring Shirt for Men

If you're a man who has always been secretly jealous of girls who get to show off their belly-button rings in fashionable midriff-baring shirts, then this new shirt from American Apparel is for you. Perfect for those hot summer months, this garment gets extra points for including rayon, which American Apparel's website says "adds a unique texture and drapes against the body for a slimming effect." We have two complains, though: first, this shirt costs $16, the same price as all of American Apparel's other shirts. Since it's really a half-shirt, shouldn't it be $8? Second, it's only available in athletic gray. We'd prefer to bare our belly in Pomegranate, please. 

In any case, you can feel good about your crop-top being made by someone receiving health insurance and a living wage rather than a 6-year old Chinese girl in a sweatshop. So go ahead, show off your happy trail. You're changing the face of America.

Via American Apparel. 

Osama bin Shoppin Roams Streets of New York City

Help! This situation calls for a task force made up of Tim Gunn and various FBI anti-terrorism people because Osama bin Shoppin is running around New York City, distracting people with her (his?) miles of perfectly waxed legs and turban. Maybe it's just for preventing scalp sunburn.

Via Best Week Ever.

Love Your Pet Forever, and Ever

Do you seriously love your dog or cat? Will you be devastated when they die? Would having them freeze-dried, stuffed, and posed in a hilarious (see above) or familiar (sleeping on your couch) position help you feel better? Thanks to a company called Perpetual Pet, you can literally do just that, for a small fee (freeze-drying Fluffy's carcass begins at $395). Their website promises you will hardly be able to tell a difference, save a "lack of movement."

Don't miss their awesome picture and testimonial gallery here.

Via Perpetual Pet.

America's Government Promotes Peace and Security... With Google AdSense

Googling for information on national security? Don't be surprised if one of the paid links that pops up directs you to a page that is "telling America's story." Someone thought an awesome way to spend advertising dollars (apparently, the government has a marketing budget) was by sending searchers presumably googling terms like "peace" or "security risk" to a page on www.america.gov regarding America's foreign policy, including issues in places like the Middle East and Syria. Because nothing says "creating security through improved relations and cooperation" like the situation in Iraq.

Via Tech Crunch.